Through The Mire
Brain Cloud
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Jumping off the deep end I feel like I’m unable to push up from the bottom.
This fog, this weight inside my head is crippling,
I’m tired of swimming.
Lord, you are my strength!
I feel like Elijah after defeating the prophets of Baal.
One tiny threat and I’m ready to look for the next bus to the desert so I can pray for death…
Funny thing is, I’m not even threatened.
Though my room is small it is warm,
Though the food is fighting back, I am not hungry,
I am so blessed!
Why does this darkness always come for me?
I won’t let you steal my joy, not this time…
Tags: Brokenness, Depression, Endurance, Jesus, Sleep Deprivation At It's Finest
Shedding My Skin
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Week two is coming to a close and I feel pretty confident (by God’s grace alone). There have been a couple of late nights on account of all the reading I left to the last minute (oops) but overall I think I’ll survive until the end of the month at least.
I’m finding it hard this week to adjust to being around so many people. I think I’m fighting the urge to completely hole up in my room at the end of everyday and not even come out for dinner. It isn’t that I don’t LIKE any of the people I’ve met. I do. I’m just used to spending a lot of time on my own or with children so it is going to take a lot of adjusting. There is a healthy balance between fellowship and time to process and I need to pray about what that might be. I also have found myself in a bit of a fog the past few days. I don’t know if it’s depression or what. I have no idea where it has come from but I’m praying through that too. It makes it hard to focus sometimes.
I finally have heat in my room (long story) and with that comes flaky skin. The kind I don’t remember ever experiencing when I lived in the mid-west before. I guess my skin just got used to all the moisture of the Pacific Northwest and it is grieving the loss. I have enough lotion to get me by for awhile, though I feel like I’m putting it on like a sweater every day. Not even the pharmaceutical grade is cutting it for more than an hour.
On a better note I’m learning a ton and it’s hard to find time to process it all. My brain feels like it’s going to explode most of the time. It’s a good problem to have I suppose. I’m learning about the Amorites and the Canaanites which I’m still new in the stages of research. I’m also working on a paper about fasting. Not only will I need to write about it but I will need to practice it as well. Lots to pray about there so stay tuned for some intense blogs ahead 
I still haven’t found a job. While I’m really tempted to be anxious and to freak out about the impending doom of bills God is reminding me that he didn’t send me to Chicago to go back to my stupid self-sufficient ways. And here I thought I was over that. Ahh the root of that sin is deep!
Thank you again and again to everyone who has been praying for me and who have been a blessing and a help. It’s still hard to ask for help even though no one tells me off when I do. Silly girl…
Tags: Depression, Endurance, Humility, Jesus, Legacy, Old Habbits Die Hard, Sanctification
First Week Thoughts
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There have been a lot of things that have happened in the last week. I moved into a dorm for the first time in ten years. I started college for the first time in ten years.
I also have a curfew for the first time EVER in my life…but I digress
Over all it has actually been less awkward than I expected. Reading all the rules and regulations I had to adhere to made me wonder if I was going to get kicked out on the first day. However, the more people I met the more I saw that I wasn’t the only one who had crazy-hair tendencies and gauged ears. In fact, several gals on my floor have tattoos that they keep hidden during class times. I don’t feel like the weirdo which was a huge sigh of relief!
I also, by God’s grace am on a floor with gals who love to knit, crochet and be generally crafty. I’m really excited about that! Not that any of us will have time for such endeavors come a few weeks from now.
In all honesty, this will be my hardest semester of all time. Moody expects a lot from their students which is refreshing and also personally challenging as I’m not a great student. My goal is not to get out of here with a 4.0 or even a 3.5 but to come out knowing more about who Jesus is and actually REMEMBERING the information I’m learning day to day. I’m encouraged by the fact that a lot of my classes are overlapping a bit as far as material I’m learning and some classes are even filling the gaps a bit. I’m also encouraged by the fact that I’ve gotten some assignments done early and that even though I don’t have all my books yet there have been some gals who have offered to loan me some until everything comes in.
I’m still looking for a job, so please pray for that (those of you who are praying for me) so I can stay and pray that I would continue to be vulnerable under times of stress. I have my own room (which I’m seeing as a blessing) but it also leaves a ton of room for isolation. Pray that I would be eager to get plugged into a church here. I’m confident that The Painted Door is that place but I don’t want to fall into past sin where I just filled in where needed instead of where God wants me. I’m also praying even now about summer housing. I’d like to stay over the summer even (sorry friends and family!). I want to be invested here while God has me in Chicago. I don’t want to be the typical college student that floats around all over the place. I’m here to love the City as Christ does and it’s hard to do when you move around every 6 months. Also pray that I would continue to treasure my time with God. Pray I would be able to take time out of my studies each day to devote personal time of study, reflection and prayer. I don’t want to loose sight of the reason I’m here.
Burdens And Confessions
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God is putting it on my heart to tell you all that I am praying for you.
Even if I only met you for a brief moment (met you at a bus stop, walked by you on the street) chances are I wrote down your name, or mentioned our conversation in my journal so that I would remember.
If you have been a part of my life (good or bad) I am praying for you. I pray for your family. I pray I would forgive you. I pray you would forgive me. I pray most of all for your heart. I pray that you would love Jesus with all of your heart if you don’t yet and if you do, I pray that relationship would be strengthened. I pray that the Gospel would re-ignight here in the midwest in a way that lives would be radically changed and that religion would burn to the ground and the ashes be scattered to the far regions never to be found again. I pray for God to use you for His Glory and that you would find great joy in doing so.
God has reminded me how much I’ve been living on the sidelines in regards to some of you and that I really need to remove my head from a certain area of my lower region. I am sorry for that. I accept that you may not like me much as a result of my praying about speaking truth in love into your life. I have not loved some of you as I should have been and I ask your forgiveness.
There is so much going on in my head and heart now. I do not say these words in pride but humility. There have been times in my life when I have run HARD from this responsibility! I desired so much to be loved and accepted by everyoe that I ignored the love and acceptance I reveived from Jesus (who is the only one that matters, truth be told). God is really calling me out on this right now. The next three years are going to be hard for several reasons. Most of them silly difficulties. But I’m going forward to Chicago with the confidence of Christ knowing that I have everthing I need and that I will not be forsaken or swallowed whole by the trials that await me there. Even in this confidence I pray every day and then some to finish this race in full.
We all now how much I hate running after all…
Tags: Awesome, Brokenness, Daughter, Endurance, Greatness, Humility, I am a Jerk, Jesus, Legacy, Love, Sanctification
Afternoon with Crocker
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This afternoon I decided to experiment in the kitchen. I’ve been wanting to try my hand at gluten free scones for awhile and as I was digging through my roommate’s stash of gf flours and binders I came across some stuff called TVP. Still not sure what it is, but it turned out tasty.
I began my search on the interwebs and found this recipe. It required the least amount of strange ingredients not found in my roommate’s cupboard so I went with it. Instead of rice flour I used oat flour. I also didn’t have potato starch so I substituted that and the tapioca flour for Bob’s Red Mill all purpose gluten free flour.
I mixed the dry ingredients, cut in the butter (I used coconut oil instead of shortening) and then added the buttermilk. Rolling it out was interesting as it was super sticky. It was a good call on the saran wrap.
Sticky!
So, as it went to hang out in the fridge to achieve the right cutting temperature (apparently gf dough is emo) I continued making this concoction with the TVP. It was basically a cup of pinto beans, 2 cups boiling water (or broth), salt, pepper, and garlic. The recipe called for an onion cut up but we didn’t have one so I used some onion powder. During the first 40 minute period I took the dough out of the fridge and attpted to cut shapes.
I gave up on the shapes. Blobs it is!
I think that if I had more time I would have left them in the fridge longer or even the freezer. Maybe if I actually used the potato starch they would have been less gooey? I gave up on the shapes and formed blobs instead. They didn’t look terrible so I just went with it.
I baked them for the minimum time and they looked a nice toasty brown. When they cooled I tried one and hey! They are actually tasty! More on the biscuit side but yummy none the less. My 10 year old roommate even gobbled one up and didn’t notice the difference.
Scones or Biscuits?
While the first batch was in the oven I added 1 cup of chopped carrots (mostly for color), a cup of TVP, a tbs of cayenne pepper, tsp salt and another tsp of onion powder and stirred it all in with the beans. I let it cook for 20 more minutes. You can cook rice separate and mix them together but honestly that TVP is no joke. You only need a small serving of it. Trust me. You won’t feel full but in about 10 minutes of finishing you will feel like you ate a Thanksgiving feast! It was good. I was skeptical but I’d eat it again.
No Meat Needed...but it would taste good with bacon...
Reversing The Oregon Trail
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Heading home from helping clean up what is now Mars Hill Downtown circa 2007
Ok, ok. So I never actually made it to Oregon. And while my first spring here was ridden with a nasty cold of which I had never experienced nor hope to experience again, I didn’t legitimately come close to dying (though it felt like it). My whole moving out to the West Coast was to spend the rest of my life cozy and wet in Seattle. God has other plans.
It’s true. I’m moving back to the mid-west. My final destination will be Chicago but I will be making an undermined pit-stop in the Fargo/Moorhead area. It’s crazy all of these ups and downs but God has made it very clear that if I don’t leave Seattle soon it will not go well for me. (Seriously, I’ve moved twice in the last 3 months. You’d think it wouldn’t have taken me this long). I need to start applying for jobs in Chicago but I’m waiting to find out if I am going to start school or not. See, I’ve been accepted but they don’t have room for me. I have no idea how that works but I’m trusting God with that too.
I’m beginning to say my goodbyes to Seattle and my friends and family here. Honestly, it’s really hard. I have tears threatening to escape just thinking about it. There have been so many amazing people that God has put in my life! I never thought that Jesus was as amazing as I’ve learned he really is. I never thought God could love someone so screwed up (me) so much. I’m still blown away by that. I never believed that His church was a real, legitimate beautiful bride truly loving her community and city the way Mars Hill has shown me. I used my own religious excuses as to why I wouldn’t submit to Christ. Honestly, I was (and by God’s grace will not be for much longer) a prideful coward hiding behind my pain. Pain had become my god and I didn’t even realize it.
I am a beloved daughter of the most high King, Jesus Christ and it is the best thing that could have ever happened to me. No matter where He sends me I will (by His Grace alone) go with joy and confidence. God has really used Seattle for His glory in my life and I pray the same for Fargo and Chicago.
Tags: Chaos, Greatness, Humility, Jesus, Joy, Legacy, Old Habbits Die Hard, Rain
Drumroll Please…
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Friday was a seriously emotional roller coaster kind of day.
I decided to go to storage and rummage through some of my things. I really needed to try and downsize some more. Honestly, it was a halfhearted sort of organization but I did manage to get rid of two over-full grocery bags full of yarn and fabric, a DVD player, two small shelves and a half dozen books. I drove them right over to Goodwill and it was great! I need to go back and spend more time organizing things.
The low hit while I was moving boxes and reading labels. I found the very last care package my late Grandma Doris had sent me. I was suddenly overwhelmed by the fact she was with Jesus. And I miss her. A lot. I have been doing a ton of knitting and crocheting in the past few months and she was the one who initially taught me to crochet. I was reminded that I couldn’t call her up and ask her clarifying questions on some of the patterns she sent me. I couldn’t call her up and ask her about the process of making a recipe that she sent me. I couldn’t call her to just see how she was doing…
I miss her more than I think I wanted to believe I would. I didn’t appreciate the relationship I had with her and the things that she had to teach me. I never bothered to ask about her childhood, how things were for her growing up. Why she enjoyed sewing. I pretty much lost it right there in the storage facility yards from a decent source of tissues. I also had a sinus thing going on so the phrase “hot mess” was an understatement.
Later on that afternoon I received a call from my friend and former housemate informing me that my letter from Moody had finally arrived. I was nervous and excited at the same time. Ahh what if I got in. Ahhh what if I didn’t. Eep what if I get sent to Spokane?
Well, I’ve been accepted but Chicago is full and they are offering me Spokane. There are a lot of variables as I again pray about what the future looks like. I’d like to get started even if it is in Spokane but they don’t have the degree I want. So, I need to call them on Monday to get more details. Today I actually am excited about this next chapter of my life. I have been pretty numb about it not sure what to think but this morning, I got excited. For those inclined, please pray for me as I am again at a crossroad of decision.
Pie! And The Delicious Channeling of Ms. Frizzle
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I volunteered to make pies for a large dinner tonight. Since I knew I wasn’t going to have time to make the pies this morning, I did them yesterday. I must say, even though I cheated and used a store bought crust and the canned pumpkin these were the best pies I’ve ever made. Truly! I think the key was not using the pumpkin pie spice but measuring each spice (nutmeg, clove and ginger) separately.
That isn’t the real reason for this post however. It is only the beginning!
I’m not sure if anyone else has the same misfortune as I do when making pie but I always end up with way more filling than I need. I usually try and pour it all in as evenly as possible and end up with a literal hot mess in the oven. This time I decided I wasn’t going there. But what to do with all the leftovers? I know! I’ll make cake or bread or something. And this got me thinking about that Magic School Bus book about going to the bakery and the kids made The Frizz a birthday cake.
What IS the chemistry of making a cake? I knew that I needed a certain part fat and a certain part flour and a certain part baking powder and/or soda but I had no idea how much. So I did what any nerdy girl with way to much time on her hands would do: I took to the interwebs and began my search! I stumbled across this gem of a paper called “The Chemistry Of Baking” which is phenomenal! To be fair, I haven’t read it in it’s entirety yet and I will probably never understand every facet of this but I really liked the way they broke it down on page 7.
So, with that I felt confident to move forward. For a point of reference I looked up a pumpkin bread recipe and just scaled down the flour to liquid, added some oil and the baking powder (I used extra since I didn’t have any baking soda)
I knew that this could be either Lamesauce or Awesomesauce. Thankfully it was the latter. Not only did it look and smell like tasty bread/cake, it was! I’ll post the recipe when I play with it a bit more.
Insert Theme From Jeopardy! Here
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I have completed the rigorous process that is applying for school.
All of my recommendations are in, all of my essays written.
Now….I wait.
And wait.
It’s less than a month (25 days to be exact) until I’m supposed to find out. It feel like a year and a half at least. I find myself slipping into that weird coma I sometimes do when things feel hopeless. God has tied my hands in a lot of ways. I can’t really plan for anything until then. I don’t do very well with this.
For instance, will I be accepted? If accepted will I go right to Chicago or will they ship me to Spokane? More importantly, how do I FEEL about going to Spokane? I honestly have no idea. Should I look for more long term work, or short term? Do I need to look into a moving van or should I just buy a car? How much of my stuff should I even UN-pack?
This is where I am living. All of this insanity is swimming around in my head threatening to drown me in it’s ridiculousness. I KNOW God has a plan and that it is better than mine. For some reason it’s really hard to be at peace with the peace. I sense the lies creeping in under the surface and it’s all I can do to ignore them most of the time. That I’m lazy. That I’m doing nothing with my life right now. That I should just do what I want because at least then I’ll know what is going on…
I will continue to wait. I will pray hourly (sometimes minutely) for patience and faith in His plan. It’s an amazing plan. So amazing I can’t even wrap my brain around it.
Yeah. That amazing…
Tags: Chaos, Depression, Endurance, Fulfillment, Humility, Jesus, Joy, lies
In Memory of My Great Grandma
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Bernice Elizabeth Evert
I found out Wednesday morning that my Great Grandma Bernice passed away.
My trip back home to Minnesota became bittersweet. I had hoped to be able to see her while I was back. I don’t have many memories of her but what I do remember I will write for you here.
In my mom’s living room currently is the stool where I used to sit and get haircuts and home perms at my Great Grandma’s from my Aunt Shirl. I can still feel my scalp itch from how tight those rollers got.
I remember my best friend Jana and I stopping in to see her on the days we would walk to the public library after school when we were in Jr. High. In the winter she had hot cocoa and any time of the year she had cookies for us. She would tell us stories of her growing up on the farm and she would tell us what all of my relatives (some of which I never remembered meeting) were up to.
She was feisty. I don’t remember too many of those moments but my cousin Morgan told me a story of recently how she told her if a particular resident that was in her wing of the nursing home didn’t shut up she’d give her an upper-cut. I had no idea my granny knew what an upper cut was!
Also, I don’t like raisins, but I always ate her sour cream and raisin pie. Someday I will figure out the secret to that crust…
It’s hard to believe she is gone, but at 97 I’d say she had a pretty good run. I have an afghan that she made. I hope someday I’ll be able to have something I’ve made to pass down to great grandchildren.
