Through The Mire

Here I am sitting at the airport in Minneapolis MN waiting for the last leg of my journey home. I’m exhausted but excited for what God has in store for this visit. I am now reflecting on how strange and awesome it will be. I have changed a lot in these last two years, more than I ever thought possible. My hope is that I would re-connect with my fam & friends and that I could be honest about all that Jesus has done in my life.
I am also reminded why I don’t watch the news any more. It is all about feeding paranoia and petty arguments. But that is another blog post for another day…

I realize that it has been quite awhile since I have written anything. I do not have a legitimate excuse. I have in the past allowed “busy-ness” to consume my days and this time has proved no exception. My apologies and going forward this is my promise to keep you all better informed. Feel free to harass me as an act of accountability. I will not take it personally.

What have I been up to? Well a large part has been trying to settle into my new place of residence. It’s hard when you ride a bus 45 minutes to an hour each way every day. Throwing in extra activities for church as well as taking time for fellowship with friends and family here I can sometimes loose sight of important things like unpacking and laundry (which I love to do…laundry that is).  In the past I have struggled with the sin of isolation. I am now finding myself in limbo between rest time at home with my new family there and also spending it outside of the house with those whom God has placed on my heart to be in relationship with. Please pray for me that I am able to submit to God’s will in this balance as well as saying no when need be as well.

Winter is here…well it’s close. The weather has returned to the usual dreary haze that covers Seattle most of the year. In all honesty we have been blessed with an unusual sunny summer (much to my dismay) and today is actually bright although cold. I mention the weather because I know it is a source of great anxiety to many people here. Winter is when the depression can creep in under our skin when we least expect it not realizing how much the sun really is good for us and important (thank you God!) for our mental well being. I myself am not affected by this as much as most but I’ve noticed in the past few weeks a slowness creeping into my brain that I have to daily give to Jesus.

It was this time of year two years ago that I found myself really on the edge of where my part in God’s story was. Despair and pain had been my idol for so long.  The darkness of the city both weather wise and the reality of where so many people are in their hearts without Jesus is really what I am reflecting on right now. A few weeks ago the church played a video in the background of the lyrics for “O Come, O Come Emmanuel”.  It was a series of scenes from Downtown Seattle of people going along in their daily lives. The weight of how much we need Jesus was amplified by the words to this hymn.

I remember my first few months here. In God’s providence He connected me with a good church and amazing community none of which I would have sought out on my own. It could have been a very dark winter indeed! I remember those first cold and rainy fall evenings trying to figure out which bus would get me to the grocery store and home, which bus would get me to work (not having to be on a bus at 3am) and which one would get me to the other random places I needed to be. I felt a shock of despair I never thought possible. Wandering the streets next to all of these people feeling so lonely and lost I had no choice but to seek Jesus and His comfort.

Now, taking the bus is less of an adventure in the sense that I know where I am going (mostly) and I know what times I need to get where. I still see people everyday who are struggling and my heart aches for them.

One practical way I am blessed to be able to help with is something called The Christmas Coat Lunch.  For the second year in a row Mars Hill Church Downtown Seattle (the church I am interning at) is collecting coats, hats, socks, scarves, sweaters, blankets and other warm items to give away along with a free meal and fellowship to homeless men, women and children in the Seattle area.  Last year we had an amazing turn out and it was really humbling to be able to talk with and pray for these folks.  I know speaking for myself I can take for granted the roof over my head and the warm jacket I’ve been blessed with.

I’ll keep you all posted on how that goes.  So many other things are happening here I’m not even sure where else to go! God’s grace is evident everyday and it is a real blessing to be a part of it all. One really awesome thing I’m looking forward to is my visit home over Christmas. It has been over two years since I’ve seen most of my family back home in MN and it will be a nice time to reconnect with them and share what God has been doing in my life. It will also be a chance to take time off to pray, study and reflect on where God has brought me and where He is leading me. Some exciting things on the horizon! I will leave that for another blog post…

I am reading through the book of Nehemiah and I’m trying to put myself in the shoes of the Israelites. I cannot imagine what it would be like to come back to a city completely in ruins and have to rebuild it.

In a sense I was exiled back to the mid-west. My heart was hard and rebellious. I didn’t want to deal with the mess of life I had sought to run away from.

Returning to Seattle has felt very much like a return to “the promised land”. Jesus has become the center of my life by God’s Grace alone. The past two years have been a rebuilding of the city walls around my heart by tearing them down and allowing God and His redemptive work pour through the pain, hurt and mess of the past. To also allow others to love me in a way that is vulnerable to be sure but has been the greatest blessing of all. God has mended my heart to forgiveness in a way that has allowed me to desire to pour that love out for others.

I am thankful for Nehemiah’s example.  His prayer in chapter 1 for his people is incredibly encouraging.  Not only that his obedience in acting in faith to carry out what God had called him to, despite possible repercussions (read 2:1-8).  It wasn’t so much about the wall as it was repentance for God’s people. It was about trusting in God’s provision and protection for them.  Nehemiah came in humility confessing his own sins.

I am not like this in any way.

Believe it or not, I tend to get VERY self-righteous.  I can sometimes come into a situation with judgment in my heart.  It has been something I’ve been praying about because it is gross! I don’t like that I go there! Somehow all of these years of being judged and sinned against has left a callousness and a stubborn layer of bitterness that manifests itself in this way.

Alternately, when I am grieved about something I’m not prone to action.  I’m prone to sulk and sink into deep depressions.  I wander around in a ridiculous fog.  What good is my self-loathing?  It isn’t. But sometimes my secret hope is that it might be.

By God’s grace alone I am shifting from that negative sad girl to one filled with hope and joy in the LORD.  I’m still a realist (that is a nice way of saying slightly pessimistic) but I don’t let it consume me as I once did.  I had a pastor tell me the other day that he “appreciates [my] positive and cheery attitude”.

Huh? This sad little emo girl?

It goes to show that sometimes you cannot grasp what God is doing in your life until someone else points it out.  This cheerfulness is not a natural part of my personality.  It is a gift from The Father and I am thankful that is has been an encouragement to others.

Nehemiah mirrors Jesus in ways that I am seeking to grow in. If anyone can recommend a good commentary (or can loan me one) I am really wanting to study this book further.

This time of year my brain comes alive.   After spending a few fleeting months in sunshine and misery the wind returns, the sun goes away and the rain begins its gracious decent from the heavens. The thick scum that the air has collected is washed away and we are left with a refreshingly crisp scent that tickles the lungs and lightens the heart. And I love it! There are few things that give me this much joy in my heart and Autumn is one of them.

With the change of seasons oftentimes comes a change of heart. This has been the case the past few days and most of yesterday has been spent processing and accepting the change. Now comes the rejoicing!

I always remember the events that have led me to this place and time. Not in a condemning sort of way (though there have been seasons of that to be sure) but more of a “I can’t believe where He has taken me”! I am reminded how I used to wake up everyday and ask for death. Forget the life God had blessed me with. I want nothing to do with it. It sucks. It’s painful and quite frankly I don’t think this is for me. Every day God answered me No. Without explanation or elaboration He simply asked me to trust Him to lead me through the trials. In my years of no’s I began to grow bitter and to seek out other ways of dealing.

The past year had me evaluating my relationship status. I am single. Have been pretty much my whole life. I have gone through most attitudes imaginable. In high school I didn’t really care. I was “boy crazy” because I thought that is what little girls were supposed to do. Having a boy friend was normal and it was clear even before my teenage years I wasn’t a “normal” girl by any stretch of the imagination. I didn’t really want to have a boyfriend but all of my friends seemed so happy! They’d tell me that I would have one someday. Then I started to believe the lies that I really wasn’t “girlfriend material” and became more depressed and bitter about the situation.
Aside from the fact that God’s plan wasn’t for me to serial date I started to think that maybe I was being too picky. That my standards of “waiting until marriage” were unreasonable. Forget that they might be biblical (and they are) I’m tired of being a freak! Comprimise after comprimise I felt worse and worse about every situation though few and far between. Arriving here in Seattle I allowed God to show me what His plan might be. And I’ve slowly began to listen.

I’ve reached a point where I am totally excited about where God has me! I also look forward to things that may come. Let me explain.
I used to never want a husband or kids. They seemed like too much of a hassel and plus I didn’t want my kids to be all kinds of jacked up. I was CONVINCED that I was going to raise horrible creatures and I wasn’t willing to go there or even try. The way my parents divorce went down kind of sealed the deal on the husband thing. It all seemed hopeless even after 23 years. How much better did I hope to fare?

Then, God changed my heart. Yes it’s scary but why fear it? Jesus is bigger than all of that! If He wants me to have a husband and children I would. And I do, as I’ve mentioned in a previous post. I thought I had been praying for my husband and children this whole time. But through the sermon a couple of weeks ago on Luke 1:5-24 something that Pastor Mark said really cut me to the heart: He asked if we were being dilligent in our prayers. Is there something we’ve been praying for and we’ve given up? Elizabeth and Zechariah never gave up praying. The Holy spirit tore in and revealed to me that while I was praying FOR my husband and children, I wasn’t asking for them. What’s the difference? It’s HUGE! In some weird way I was totally dancing around the subject. I thought I could trick God by praying FOR them. That they would love the LORD, that I would have children, that my future husband would have huge blessings of patience for my psychosis, etc. But I never asked to receive him. Because I’m still rebelliously freaked out by the whole thing and I’ll not ask because maybe He won’t give me a husband…slide it under the giant rug of forget-about-it.

By God’s grace my prayers have changed. My heart is facing Him and my prayer is that he would provide me with a husband and children. Not because I need them but because my heart is there. It is a desire God has placed there for His Glory and when He decides I’d love to be a wife and mother.